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| Though it may have seemed like it, I didn't post a one-off and disappear again. I actually had working versions of my "Best Of" up on my browser for like 3 or 4 days, but I eventually dismissed it as masturbatory and closed it off. It's all back there, and anyone's free to go over the good times if they so choose. Also, I just looked up masturbatory and I was correct in my assumption that it has uses beyond... you know. The obvious. But enough about my spare time.
Saw Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist tonight, and it was... not quite genius, but there are certainly much worse wastes of an hour and a half. Don't bother seeing it without your significant other, or I have to imagine it would take all of the fun out of it. If you don't have one... well, if you do see it, prepare to pine. It got me pining anyway, and not just for Kat Dennings. *rimshot* No, everything I see lately makes me miss making music. FIVE WORD ALLITERATION C-C-C-C-COMBO!!! 25 points. Also, it actually made me wish I lived in New York City. At least for the duration of the movie. That suddenly seems intolerable again. Anyway, music was the main thing.
I got to thinking about what it would take for me to be able to make music that I was satisfied with. The traditional problems have always been the same. First, I don't trust anybody else to make the music I want. Not that they couldn't or that my "vision" is too "vast", it's just mine. Not theirs. So if it's just going to be me, I'm seriously limited in the ability department. I don't play drums at all, and my guitar/bass experience is just not satisfactory. I tossed around the idea of completely ripping off the Postal Service since they're apparently not going to make any more music, but that just won't do. I don't know. There's always rap, I suppose. Hah.
As far as coming up to Marion, I am all kinds of about that. Here's the rub: You all have your lives, which I'm sure are hectic and not allowing for much time. I'm also going to school and working part time. And just to add to the whole thing, Kaley is sick of hearing about an entire part of my life and group of friends that she's never met, so she wants to come too. She goes to school and works part time as well. So, even when we do eventually work a time out that works for everyone, we'll both have to be housed for the tenure of our stay. Chris and Katie offered their guest room to me some ridiculous amount of time ago, but I don't know how they'll feel about my underage girlfriend staying as well, so we'd have to figure that out. lol So... "best bet" times from you folks would help greatly, along with suggestions as to where we would sleep. I don't know how things work up north these days.
Anyone that checks their MySpace bulletins that's my friend will know that I've been quite interested in this coming election. Initially I was on the Obama bandwagon, but after I came down from the high of knowing that Hillary Clinton couldn't run, I started to realize how vapid he is, and... No. Fuck John McCain. It's just not happening. Because when that 70+ year old man dies in 2 years from his fifth recurrence of melanoma, I will NOT live in a country that is run by Sarah Palin. So I'm back to Libertarianism once more. Votin for Bob Barr. If you need any proof of what complete and total idiots/liars the Republican and Democratic candidates are, feel free to direct your browser to factcheck.org where you will see that they lie every time they open their mouths. The only time true bipartisanism exists is when they're getting together to keep third parties off the ballots. It's sickening. Anyway.
The formula for nostalgia must be "internet" plus "all the music on your computer set to shuffle" (which I assume would be shortened to 'm' if identified as a mathematical constant). I haven't heard Powerman 5000 in what must be at least a year. It's amazing how much music on this computer that, I know for sure if I'd just heard it today, wouldn't cut the mustard for me. But because I identify it with "the good ol' days", I can't delete it. I can't even not enjoy it. It puts a big ol' dent in my music nazism.
I'm having a hard time thinking of more stuff to say, even though it feels like there is. So... I'm gonna stop now. Ugh. I don't feel like uploading a song today. I get the feeling they don't really get listened to anyway, so I'll just skip it this time. Peace, nukkahs.
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| What is this... Xaaaangaaa?
I'm alive! For realios! I've been bored tonight and feeling
nostalgic, so I just read over 1.8ish years of blogging in one
sitting. Mine, that is. I've got a couple of things to say about the
me that has been represented on Xanga.
1: I'm sorry. I was insufferable.
2: Thank you for putting up with me as long as you did.
3: I STILL hate Jack Thompson.
My last blog was at the beginning of the relationship between Kaley and
I. If you'd been waiting for the end of that cliffhanger, the big deal
was that she was 16, and when we met, she was a student of mine. Well,
I'm not at Cornerstone, she's still 5
years younger than me, and we're doing just fine. It'll be a year next
month. Also, it's already the longest relationship I've had without
breaking, which says remarkable things about her, but a thing or two
about how I've grown as well. I am exponentially more patient than I
used to be. Still not perfect, but I'm getting there. I've also
managed not to sabotage this at all. Which, I imagine, says something
about me getting to be legitimately okay with who I am.
Today I'm still at IUK, and I've just started a job at a Pizza Hut
about 2 miles from where I live. So yay. The whole world has changed
for everyone else, and I'm still taking baby steps. I guess that's the
good thing about knowing me. I'm too stubborn to change all of a
sudden.
I think my next blog may be a "best of" edition... because there's some
gems on this'n. I know that's terribly self-interested, but I think
it'll be a fun trip down memory lane for y'all as well. Things like
days that we all shared that I'd forgotten about... even people I'd
forgotten about. o.O
I really need to figure out where all of you folks are. I know some of
you are still in Marion, which is the bees knees, since I go to school
in Kokomo. That needs to come together sometime in the near fyoochar.
I know we was always dawgs'n all, but I feel like you'd all like me
better now. I'm just less of an asshole. Less, not none. None of an
asshole? I don't know. It must be 6:13 AM. Also, you should all meet
Kaley. She is the absolute last person you would ever expect me with.
And that's why it's awesome. I'm sure there's more. Feel free to ask
questions about anything and everything. I don't interact much with
real folks anymore and maybe that's why I'm suddenly so ready to Xanga
again.
OH! I have a dog. This is Chris. I know he's not QUI TE Ein, but he's the same breed, and the same awesome.
 
Finally, true to form, I give you a Song of the... Year. Apparently. There is actually a genre called Pirate Metal... and here it is. I give you Alestorm.
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| Three months, eh?
And oh, the drama. We'll start small, and work up.
Not working at Blockbuster anymore. That was just an obnoxious job after a while. The free rentals just couldn't keep me there for $6.50.
I recently turned in my notice at Cornerstone. I'll be leaving at the end of the semester, which occurs in a little less than three weeks. Why? Well, here's where things get all nice and complicated.
We'll start with the reason that won't make you think I'm insane. I'm going back to school next semester. Hopefully. Most likely. 85% chance of school. Computer Science and/or Math is the plan, at... *looong breath* The Purdue University College of Technology Statewide Program Located on the Campus of Indiana University Kokomo. For the sake of brevity, I'ma call it IUK from now on. There's a small chance I'll have to take classes at Ivy Tech for a semester, but we'll see.
Why go to school? Well, mom's willing to bend over backwards to get me headed that direction again. She's paying some of my bills, letting me live at the house rent free, and there's other things. I know this is a tease, but I really can't bring myself to blurt out the biggest news in my life because... I don't know. I guess I'm ashamed, because I know how it looks, or maybe I know how it is. Yes, it's a relationship. She's awesome, and we get along great. It's gone on for about 6 weeks now. Suffice to say... there are very real reasons that I shouldn't post specifics on the internet about it. This is the craziest crap I've ever done. There's just one little problem about her, and to admit to it entirely would be silly, legally. Those of you who talk to me ever may feel free to ask, and I may or may not feel like talking about it. I dunno. I really don't know why I'm posting this. I guess I just wanted people to know something was up, and that they should ask me about it in private if they care to know. I'm dumb sometimes. Most times.
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| Well, I'm doing better. I sleep now, I eat normally, but not out of
control like usual. I always figured I'd eat more when this sort of
thing happened again, but really it's been kind of an eye opener. I
think I'd come to mistake "Not totally stuffed" for "hungry". Coming
out of my funk and, to some extent, quite literally starving was a bit
of a revelation. All told I've lost 12 pounds so far. Not bad for 10
days or so. 8% of my goal. At this rate, it'll take about 5 months to
lose it all. So, really, it probably won't go at this rate, but yes.
I figure in a year, I'll be presentable, for the first time in about 6
years. Just think, if you people thought I was an asshole when I was a
pig, just wait until I have legitimate confidence in both my appearance
and my intellect. You won't know what hit you. You'll be sick of me
faster than leprosy.
This is probably my fastest bounceback ever. Tessa took, yeah,
months. Of course, I was 15, but yes. Emily was next, and that hurt a
lot more than it should have. But I was dumb. Took me a few
weeks. I really wonder how much Dani would have hurt if she wouldn't
have been what triggered my emotional avalanche. People tend to credit
her with things like my claims of agnosticism or my 4 straight days in
bed, and I think that's giving her a bit too much credit. That was all
of it piled together. But, yeah. Took a while. I credit my bounce back to a couple of things. The first has been friends, both the overly-supportive kind and the kind that just kinda wouldn't take my bullshit. The interesting thing about the ol' Brohirrim, we share a collective ego. When one of us is down, the others step in and remind him of how awesome he is. Along with that, my ol' roommate Steve from PA and I talked today, and he's always a self-esteem boost. I credit Steve with my love for bluntness and vulgarity. He has this way of totally overreacting in my favor whenever anything goes wrong. If you don't want to see horrible obscenity and generally horrible things, skip the rest of this paragraph. His help to me was: "Fuck that cunt. Fuck her. Fuck her like you did when she was begging for it. But this time, beat her while you do it." "So... what, rape her?" "YES. Fucking rape that bitch. You want me to kill the guy?" "Well, I think we can at least wait until he screws up. Then she can know I was right just before you stick his eyes up his ass." "Can I MAKE him screw up? I don't feel like waiting." "... Oh, okay." I was rolling. Hyperbole is fun, kids!
Anyway, the second thing... hehe...
WORLD OF WARCRAFT!!!
So yes. I finally bit the bullet and made a dwarf warrior/miner/blacksmith. It is escapism in its purest form. Also, with my friends on there, it's good times. Unfortunately, it leads to times like right now, when I'm wondering why I'm up at 6:30 listening to MC Fronatlot and Bloodhound Gang. I don't know. And I'm running out of steam. Point is, I'm starting to do better, and thanks for putting up with me on Xanga again. Next time I see you all, I'll be skinnier, possibly even noticeably so. Yeehaw. Love y'all.
Song of the Day:
All That Remains - Six
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| Yeah, this is Hell. For the record, since I hadn't been as
straight-forward as I normally am, Melissa and I have broken up after
briefly flirting with the idea of an "open" relationship. She had,
behind my back, found... well, the first person to show interest,
really, to fulfill the needs that I could not from so far away.
Unfortunately, she went ahead and decided to have him fulfill the other
ones too. This makes the fourth girl that has cheated on me. I have
been in relationships with a total of four girls. G'head, do the math.
So basically, I haven't slept since it happened and I barely eat. My
panic attacks are coming back after a 2 and a half month absence. Any
time I think about it, I feel weak and have a slightly harder time
breathing. I keep trying to find new ways to calm myself. Sometimes I
demonize her, sometimes I demonize Josh, sometimes I extol myself. In
a week, this won't be a big deal, but this is likely to be one of the
worst weeks of my life.
The thing about Melissa that makes it different is with the other three
girls, we met, talked for a week or two, and then started going out.
Melissa had been one of my better friends for more than three years.
Well before we started talking about being a couple, she was the only
person I spoke to on the phone for more than 2 or 3 minutes. I find
myself making all these random adjustments to try and make it so I
don't see her in everything. I deleted her from Myspace and Facebook,
and got rid of all her pictures and the stuff she left when she came
up. Beyond that, too much makes me think of her. I moved my pillows
to the other side of the bed because every time I tried to sleep, I'd
just think about how she was once there next to me. I went to B-Dubs
tonight and all I could do was stare at the table that we sat at when
she was here. And forget my phone. I can't even look at it without
thinking of her, they were one and the same for so long. She's also
ruined some music that I was quite fond of. Luckily, I probably
shouldn't have been nurturing an interest in My Chemical Romance to
begin with, but yes. Then of course, there's the pillowcase she gave
me and the pair of pants she left here. She seems reluctant to give
out her address so I can mail them back. That probably has something
to do with the fact that I left for Arkansas once on a whim right when
things started to fall apart. Oh well. If she doesn't want them, I'll
just throw them away.
I wonder whether they've talked about the fact that he's only got her
because I can't be there nor she here. Does he know he's just a
substitute? Does he have the slightest clue how lucky he is? It's
incredible. No matter how bad I'm hurt, I know that in a single
second, if she called and wanted me to take her back, I would. I just
want to get this over with. So sick of this pain in my stomach that
borders on constant nausea, this inability to breathe normally, these
cloudy eyes, tired from crying. I don't know. Whatever. Onward as always. Life is dumb.
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